Psychology says parents who shout “don’t cry, be strong” are actually raising more anxious adults: Here’s what to say instead |

Children rarely remember every conversation they had with their parents, but they often remember how those conversations made them feel. A seemingly harmless phrase such as “don’t cry, be strong” is frequently intended to comfort a distressed child. Yet psychologists increasingly warn that repeatedly dismissing a child’s emotional experience can have unintended consequences. While resilience is not something we can teach to our children, suppressing emotions could make them mistrust their own feelings and be vulnerable in the future. As modern research proves, resilience emerges when one understands and works with one’s emotions, not by ignoring them. The key distinction between the two concepts is that in the first case, when emotions are involved, an adult helps a child identify what they are feeling.

Why psychology says parents shouldn’t say “don’t cry, be strong”

Many generations of parents have thought that telling kids to “get tough” will help them cope with life. But according to studies of emotional development, constantly ignoring negative feelings can negatively impact a child’s capacity to manage stress.Psychologist Sophie S. Havighurst, along with other researchers from the University of Melbourne, worked on ‘The relations between parent and toddler emotion regulation’, which distinguishes between parents who validate emotions and those who dismiss or minimise them. According to Havighurst, emotion-dismissing parents often discourage expressions of sadness, fear or anger, believing that these emotions should simply pass with time. Research has linked this style with poorer emotional outcomes compared with emotion-coaching approaches.It is impossible to accept and validate a child’s emotion at the same time you wish it would just go away. Acceptance and validation come instead from empathy.Studies examining parental emotion philosophies have found that children benefit when parents acknowledge emotions, help label feelings and guide problem-solving rather than dismissing distress. Such approaches are associated with healthier emotional adjustment and fewer internalising difficulties.

What parents should say instead of “don’t cry, be strong”

Emotionally intelligent parenting does not mean allowing every behaviour. Rather, it involves accepting emotions while guiding appropriate responses.Psychologist John Gottman’s emotion-coaching model encourages parents to view difficult emotions as opportunities for connection and learning. The process includes recognising a child’s feelings, listening empathetically, helping the child label emotions and then supporting constructive solutions.In his book Gottman talks about his widely cited principle:“All feelings are permissible; not all behaviour is permissible.”Instead of saying:“Don’t cry.”“You’re fine.”“Be strong.”“Stop being so sensitive.”Experts recommend responses such as:“I can see you’re upset.”“That sounds really difficult.”“It’s okay to feel sad.”“Would you like to tell me what happened?”“Let’s work through this together.”Helping children put words to emotions is particularly important. Research suggests that labelling emotions can make feelings feel more manageable and less overwhelming.

What to say when a child cries, according to psychology and emotion-coaching research

Parents do not need perfect words. What matters most is communicating safety, empathy and understanding.According to Gottman’s five-step emotion-coaching framework, effective responses typically involve:

If the child is told, “I understand your reasons for being upset”, they are taught that emotions are manageable. The child constantly told “stop crying” could be taught that emotions are not acceptable.According to Gottman:“The goal of Emotion Coaching is not the suppression of emotions but the exploration of emotions.”In summary, resilience is the absence of emotion. In recent psychological studies, there is growing recognition of the fact that true resilience is built by teaching children that their emotions are normal, temporary and okay to feel. By replacing dismissal with empathy, the parent is not creating more vulnerable children, but emotionally competent adults.